Chocolate Matzoh Time!

A good friend of mine works as a candy technologist on behalf of the Food and Drug Administration here in DC.  For those of you who aren’t aware of the inner workings of our Federal food agencies, the U. S. Department of Agriculture is responsible for ensuring the high quality of all U.S.-produced chocolate and chocolate-like substances, and the Department of Health and Human Services is responsible for spreading dangerous, anti-chocolate propaganda, but the FDA has full jurisdiction over any food or ingestible substance that has been dipped in another substance (also deemed ingestible.  Food dipped in non-ingestible substances falls under the purview of the American Association of Poison Control Centers and also, the Discovery Channel).  I’m sure most of you have already guessed this, given the FDA is naturally already supervising Advil with candy-coating.  It’s really just logic.  

In any case, my friend over at the FDA has been testing the theory that anything tastes good if it’s coated in chocolate (wouldn’t it be nice if we all could have jobs that gave so much back to the world?).  She’s devoted hours to her work, hunched over a fondue pot, dipping insects, veggies, and just last week, halibut, to get the FDA to their ultimate test.  The FDA wanted to test the age-old adage (or cardboard-age old adage), that you could dip cardboard in chocolate, and it would still taste good.  Unfortunately, the EPA intervened (they have jurisdiction over dipping non-ingestible items into ingestible substances, but only if said non-ingestible item can be recycled).  The FDA had no choice but to replace cardboard with matzoh, which is basically the same substance but comes with 100% more suffering for the Jews.

Okay, none of that is true (except for the fact that the job of candy technologist really exists - why do I not do that job?).  It’s just Passover.  That magical time of year when those of us who are Jewish give up eating muffins (and when those of us who are Jew-ish give up eating muffins within the sight lines of other judgemental co-workers whose parents gave them good Jewish names like Sarah and/or Rachel instead of names that scream “shiksah” like Megan).  Passover is that magical time of year when we’re reminded of our chosen people status, of the miracles that God loosed on our behalf.  So the Jews could escape from Egypt, blood, locusts, frogs and all manner of unpleasant things filled the sky and brought plague to the countryside.  So that they could continue on their freedom seeking journey in light of the previous miracles’ failure, the Red Sea parted to let the Jews flee.  And lest modern Jews think God has forgotten us, chocolate came to be made without any flour so that we can choke down tasteless unleavened bread (semi-ingestible) coated in the delicious, rich chocolate while taunting all of the catholics who gave it up for Lent.

In light of all this evidence of God’s love, it seems rude to point out that while chocolate-covered matzoh is an improvement, it’s still a step backward from chocolate-covered anything else.  And now that I’ve done so, my Jewish guilt is demanding that I make amends.  Too bad the only amends that come to mind, come in the form of sandwiches.